Top 10 Things I Wish I Could've Tweeted While my Bio-Dad was Suing me

It's a beautiful (?) Sunday morning here in sunny (?) Philadelphia. My weather app says it's 82 and clear. I trust it. I'm not going outside. My first breakfast of peanut butter toast is doing its job in my belly, my coffee is still kind of warm enough to drink, and a shower is somewhere in the near, possibly foreseeable future. I don't know, this morning is fine I guess. Who cares. My biological father is suing me. 

Never in my life (besides the period between the start of puberty and right now in which I'm 90% of the time daydreaming about boners and boobs) has something so completely consumed me. Being an adult child of divorce isn't really a big deal anymore, right?  Even being an adult child of an alcoholic parent still leaves you in a pretty large pool of normal to moderately damaged millenials. But being an adult child of a sociopathic, manipulative monster of a dude who has tried for 22 long years in twisted ways to either completely own or totally emancipate you seems like a much more specific experience. If not, hit me up. Let's grab a beer, right?

Anyways, times are tough and weird, dude. I won't indulge in details, mostly because I can't, but the story has a happy-ish ending. As of September 19th, 2015, after spending hours and hours writing an affidavit that recounted all of the specific, awful, shitty details from my childhood regarding my monster, I am officially EMANCIPATED. No ties to the guy who's balls I used to halfway exist in. And most importantly, no looming court case to scare me into not tweeting about my experience while being sued by my biological father.

  1. Netflix and chill? more like Netflix and write an affidavit for the lawsuit ur bio-dad is filing against u amirite? lol

  2. that crazy moment when someone's zipper is open and u don't know if u should tell them and also ur bio-dad is suing u lol

  3. romeo and juliet except romeo is my bio-dad and he's filing a lawsuit against juliet and juliet is not a love interest its me. guys...my bio-dad is suing me.

  4. "don't count ur chickens b4 they hatch" AKA "don't think ur safe from being sued by ur bio-dad until ur emancipated from ur bio-dad who is definitely 100% suing u rn!!"

  5. if u can't handle me when my bio-dad is filing a law suit against me THEN U DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST AKA WHEN MY BIO DAD IS NOT SUING ME

  6. u know what they say ;) the bigger the feet, the more likely ur bio-dad is gonna be suing u!!! ;) ;) ;) i'm a woman's size 11 :(

  7. look to ur right. now look to ur left. one of these people will die. the other is ur bio-dad and he is filing a law suit against u rn.

  8. roses are red, violets are blue, sorry ur bio-dad is still alive, and definitely still suing u :(

  9. "my bio-dad is suing me rn" ~ me, mid-sext

  10. drinkin' a bottle of my stepdad's homemade wine while reading the lawsuit m'bio dad has filed against me. U WIN SOME U LOSE SUM U KNOW?!?!?!*

*This tweet is a shoutout to my stepdad aka my REAL DAD, the guy who raised me and loves me. You're a cool ass dude, Papa. Thanks for being you.