ORIGINAL SCREENPLAYS & TELEPLAYS
Original, episodic comedy series
In a world where anxiety is defined by student loan debt, the price of living, and the early realization that the only guarantee in life is death, and not our parents’ white picket fence, a family, or even someone who is as into you as you are into them, the comfort of a real, supportive friendship is the only real thing to cling to.
“Gab & Kev Make it Weird” is a comedy about the friendship of 20-somethings Gab and Kev, and how their oddly intimate, platonic relationship serves as the ultimate ammo in that battle against the innate loneliness and defeat of being broke millennials in Philly.
(link coming soon)
Original, half-hour comedy pilot
for the web
A group of other junior UArts screenwriting majors and I have decided to get together and write/create a comedy pilot about love and romance in Philadelphia, through the lens of an ensemble of unsettling characters who run a failing speed dating service through the local community center.
Original, hour-long drama pilot
Created during my sophomore screenwriting class at UArts, instructed by Steve Saylor, "Hard" is an hour-long dark dramedy about Mickey Mann -- the single father of a freshly pubescent daughter, and an aging porn star with erectile dysfunction. Appropriately, the pilot episode is called "Soft."
Boogie Nights meets Mad Men (riding in on that anti-hero wave, what what!).
(link coming soon)
Feature film screenplay
Cat and Sophie are disconnected, aspiring comedienne besties with opposing levels of success in comedy and in love, who are suddenly forced to face the worst parts of themselves in order to get what they really want...or some dumb bullshit like that. A day looking for apartments turns into an eruption of unsettled friendship history.
The day after Gus and Mickey's climactic reunion in the season one finale, Mickey tries to prove that she has enough of a grasp on her toxic behaviors to not fuck up Mickey & Gus 2.0 by surrendering her phone to Bertie for the day. Meanwhile, Gus has a hard time readjusting to life as "just the tutor" again.
BROAD CITY (Comedy Central)
Abbi and Ilana get derailed on their way to the women's march by Ilana's sexual frustration and Abbi's UTI-fueled hunt for a bathroom.
Script Coverage (link coming soon) -- here is an example of my ability to efficiently read and analyze screenplays in the development phase. (Re: I took out too many loans to learn about the process and business of scriptwriting, so, please, give me your money and I will help you make your screenplay not terrible!)
HUMOR PIECES & EDITORIAL
Once upon a fifth-grade lunchtime ritual, I was a round, thick-browed girl who inconspicuously ate her tunafish sandwich while all the other smooth-legged kids ate fruit-rollups. I eventually grew into my brows and discovered the Lady-Bic as well as friends who pretended to respect my lunch. Also, my face is now my mother’s and my boobs are there; so using that logic, I can say that, although I am no Julia Roberts, I am not half-bad to look at. Men, who haven’t heard me speak, have even testified to this. But it was during my adolescence when I learned something that would essentially determine my current fate as a young, very single woman. It’s a lesson I like to call: “Boys like farts, but not your farts.”
Read more here:
If you’re a hairy girl living in the western world, you’ve felt the distance between you and the bronze Venus goddesses gyrating across the television, hairless and glowing. As droplets from the most exotic oceans bead down their silky, baby-ass legs, you notice that the areas you’ve just attacked with a Lady-Bic have already prickled. If your next thought is, “So long, birth control boobs!” then you’re in for a surprise. These guidelines will help you embrace your fuzz and realize that you don’t need to be as smooth as those sexy illusions in order to get it on and find love.
It's a beautiful (?) Sunday morning here in sunny (?) Philadelphia. My weather app says it's 82 and clear. I trust it. I'm not going outside. My first breakfast of peanut butter toast is doing its job in my belly, my coffee is still kind of warm enough to drink, and a shower is somewhere in the near, possibly foreseeable future. I don't know, this morning is fine I guess. Who cares. My biological father is suing me.
Never in my life (besides the period between the start of puberty and right now in which I'm 90% of the time daydreaming about boners and boobs) has something so completely consumed me. Being an adult child of divorce isn't really a big deal anymore, right? Even being an adult child of an alcoholic parent still leaves you in a pretty large pool of normal to moderately damaged millenials. But being an adult child of a sociopathic, manipulative monster of a dude who has tried for 22 long years in twisted ways to either completely own or totally emancipate you seems like a much more specific experience. If not, hit me up. Let's grab a beer, right?
Anyways, times are tough and weird, dude. I won't indulge in details, mostly because I can't, but the story has a happy-ish ending. As of September 19th, 2015, after spending hours and hours writing an affidavit that recounted all of the specific, awful, shitty details from my childhood regarding my monster, I am officially EMANCIPATED. No ties to the guy who's balls I used to halfway exist in. And most importantly, no looming court case to scare me into not tweeting about my experience while being sued by my biological father.
Netflix and chill? more like Netflix and write an affidavit for the lawsuit ur bio-dad is filing against u amirite? lol
that crazy moment when someone's zipper is open and u don't know if u should tell them and also ur bio-dad is suing u lol
romeo and juliet except romeo is my bio-dad and he's filing a lawsuit against juliet and juliet is not a love interest its me. guys...my bio-dad is suing me.
"don't count ur chickens b4 they hatch" AKA "don't think ur safe from being sued by ur bio-dad until ur emancipated from ur bio-dad who is definitely 100% suing u rn!!"
if u can't handle me when my bio-dad is filing a law suit against me THEN U DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST AKA WHEN MY BIO DAD IS NOT SUING ME
u know what they say ;) the bigger the feet, the more likely ur bio-dad is gonna be suing u!!! ;) ;) ;) i'm a woman's size 11 :(
look to ur right. now look to ur left. one of these people will die. the other is ur bio-dad and he is filing a law suit against u rn.
roses are red, violets are blue, sorry ur bio-dad is still alive, and definitely still suing u :(
"my bio-dad is suing me rn" ~ me, mid-sext
drinkin' a bottle of my stepdad's homemade wine while reading the lawsuit m'bio dad has filed against me. U WIN SOME U LOSE SUM U KNOW?!?!?!*
*This tweet is a shoutout to my stepdad aka my REAL DAD, the guy who raised me and loves me. You're a cool ass dude, Papa. Thanks for being you.
This Tweet In Defense of Comedy during the #CancelColbert Hashtag War:
Sometimes I function through my sad girl alter ego (aka Anon Cutie) and come up with cute, indulgent lil' poems that I get published by local Philly zines like the Philadelphia Secret Admirer. I've also used this alternate identity to write poems and draw doodles for the TCNJ Lit. Mag, The Lion's Eye. Not so anon anymore, but whatever. Take a looksie: